this is Jim

This morning I was reading CJane, hers is a blog I peruse through every once in a while, not quite a daily read, but a read regardless. Apparently the week of April 12th was Men's Week. Jim wrote the sweetest post on How to love your wife during the postpartum period.

Jim is the husband I want. The husband I used to have. Pornography has taken so much away from me. from us. My marriage is falling apart and I don't even know if I want to fix it. Wouldn't it be easier to leave now before things get more complicated? How can I even stay married to him when I feel like he's a stranger? I never thought I married someone that would do something so vile, so selfish, so careless. Someone who looks at pornography in order to spite me and purposely hurt me. My husband told me that he thinks he looks at pornography when things aren't pretty, happy, and all flowery in our lives. During those times he feels like he doesn't have much to lose, meaning he doesn't care about our marriage or whether we stay married. He doesn't care about me or what happens to us. Pornography is more important.

I don't know what to do. I keep replaying that phrase in my head over and over again. I don't know what to do.

This last relapse kicked me hard. Covenants have been broken. My heart aches so bad I find it hard to breathe. All of the sudden I'll start crying, anything triggers a sob fest, a commercial, a blog post, movie, sitcoms, a thought of all that's been lost.

I'm grieving. I've lost so much already, how much else am I going to lose?

relapse #2

Temple recommend lost.

So many emotions I don't even know what to do with myself.

I should stop trying to plan my career around the fact that I'll be having children soon with this man and go for what I want to do and I love. I may never get to have kids.

Anger. Fear. Sadness. Loss. Hopelessness. Anger!

relapse

Husband relapsed tonight. I'm so sad.

I thought he was doing better. I was on my lunch break and thinking how it would be so nice to get off the pill this month. Even if I were to get pregnant right away we'd be fine, we'd still be able to do all the things we have planned for the year after all I'd only be due in January.

Oh the shattered dreams and rude awakening that this hasn't gone away. No matter how much I wish for it to go away it hasn't. Kind of interesting that he'd relapse on the night that I was so close to being set on getting off the pill and finally getting my turn at motherhood.

I don't even get anxious anymore. I get upset, and slightly mad. But it's become an expectation. Not a if he'll look at it, but when will he look at it again. What a sad way to live. Can someone please sue sports illustrated?

a beautiful explanation to my concerns

Pages 120 and 121 of "He Restoreth My Soul" by Dr. Donald L. Hilton Jr. were Heaven sent. Shortly after I wrote my previous post I got to this part in the book. How grateful I am for his explanation of a sponsor and the need to have one.

In the ideal situation the wife becomes a partner in recovery and learns
to trust again as deceit is abandoned. Virtually all wives of those in
recovery who have shared their stories with me have described a desire
to know what is necessary, but not every detail. In other words, a man who struggles still with lustful thoughts may need someone to call
frequently. Burdening his loving but traumatized spouse with the
intimate details of his thought processes would be counterproductive and perhaps
even damaging. He would be much better served calling a sponsor he had met in
the addiction support group with such details. One wife told me her husband
might call and say. "I'm struggling today, pray for me." For her, this helped
her trust him, though she specifically said she didn't need to know the details
of exactly it was that was troubling him. This interplay of appropriate
transparency is sensitive and probably different for each couple. If he
relapsed or slipped, however, he would need to inform his wife, or trust would
not be able to grow. By doing so, she would be confident that there would be no significant secrets, and the husband would know that any
breach or relapse must be immediately reported, regardless of how painful to
both it may be.

Bold words were key phrases that stood out to me.

Seriously! This is exactly what I was trying to figure out from the whole sponsor thing! A sponsor won't take away our honest and open relationship, it would just be an added support to him and someone with whom he can share details of what exactly he's struggling with without it damaging the progress we've made. A wonderful woman from group asked me what would be okay with me. She said would you be fine with him just calling you and telling you he was having a hard time? I wanted to scream yes. All I want is to know when he's doing okay and when things are hard. I want to be able to send him a text message back encouraging him to hang in there, and that I love him no matter what his struggles are. Because I do. It's in that way that I want to be a support to him. I'd have to leave it up to him now if he feels like just being able to tell me he's struggling is enough, or if he needs a sponsor that can go into details with him about it. I don't know the extent of his struggles so he'd have to decide. How wonderful this book is to me, and how sweet is the Lord for giving me an answer so quickly through this.

a sponsor

Image from here

I appreciated so much the responses to the last posts, the comments have been greatly appreciated. Husband and I talked about the sponsor deal, and I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I think I have determined that there's three main things that make me feel iffy about it.

1. I feel like in a way it allows him to keep "secrets" from me.

2. It takes control away from me, and by now we all know that causes me more anxiety than anything else in life.

3. In our area there are no men in group that have been successful in overcoming the addiction.

So allow me to address my concerns and please enlighten me in this whole process.

I think my biggest heartbreak over this addiction is the secrecy. I hate secrets. I'm probably one of the most blunt and honest person you will ever meet. My husband often comments how he loves how he never has to wonder what I'm thinking or want. I just tell him. There's no guessing. There's no hiding feelings or concerns. So in my mind having him go to someone else besides me would create a secret, something to keep away from me. Which leads me to number two. Am I this way because I thrive on taking control of things, planning everything out, expecting the worst and hoping for the best? I don't really know.

Finding the sponsor is the other problem. My understanding is that a sponsor should be someone who has successfully completed the twelve steps program and would be a guide and inspiration to my husband. Well... we lack that type of person in our area.

I enjoy our open and honest relationship and my fear is that a sponsor would take that away. I like knowing when he's struggling and I like being a support to him. I feel like it in a way it brings us closer. What would a sponsor (if he was even able to find one) do for him? Why do you feel like having a sponsor is beneficial?

Please share.

taking a hint

I get daily quotes on my e-mail through LDS gems.

This week I got two quotes within three days about pornography. So I took the hint and am sharing them with you all. They're both from Elder Richard G. Scott's conference talk called "To Acquire Spiritual Guidance" (one of my favorite talks that's linked on the side bar).

The Damning Influence of Pornography

"Satan has become a master at using the addictive power of pornography to limit individual capacity to be led by the Spirit. The onslaught of pornography in all of its vicious, corroding, destructive forms has caused great grief, suffering, heartache, and destroyed marriages. It is one of the most damning influences on earth."

The Addictive Power of Pornography

"Whether it be through the printed page, movies, television, obscene lyrics, vulgarities on the telephone, or flickering personal computer screen, pornography is overpoweringly addictive and severely damaging. This potent tool of Lucifer degrades the mind and the heart and the soul of any who use it. All who are caught in its seductive, tantalizing web and remain so will become addicted to its immoral, destructive influence."

Can we all just say a big amen Elder Scott!?

supporting him

I have officially become a crazy person.

Why? Because the anxiety monster is on my back, and it has its little legs wrapped around me tight like an ugly monkey!

I called my husband from work during a slow time, this doesn't happen often and I just wanted to talk. He said his night hadn't gone quite like he planned.

**Why hello monkey! Welcome to my back**

I asked him why while attempting to not hyperventilate. After all my immediate thoughts go to pornography and how he looked at it again. he said he had felt tempted so instead of paying bills, organizing things in the office, he chose not to turn on the computer and watched a movie instead.

For most of you this would cue in the happy bells.

For crazy me this cued in the monkey getting angry and its hair standing up on end.

I was so anxious I didn't know what to do with myself. If we're really being honest here, the monkey is with me often. i had this monkey with me prior to this whole thing, but it was a small, cute, happy monkey. But now it's the gorilla that scares little kids at the zoo. I've turned scary.

Now I realize I totally overreacted to this. In talking to a friend from PASG she asked me if my husband had someone from his group he would call when he was struggling/tempted. I said he didn't... as far I know at least. I told her that sometimes I just get tired of being supportive. Sometimes I just want to pretend this doesn't exist. And she said that's why he needed someone besides me to lean on. Insert light bulb moment here. To my credit I am fairly good at being supportive 95% of the time without going crazy, but I guess after a little over a month I got tired of being supportive, and just wanted to be mad. I do love that my sweet husband feels comfortable enough to come to me first, before anyone else, and I do like and want to know when and if he's struggling, but I guess it would be nice to have someone else on his corner besides me. I don't quite know what to do with this yet. I want to know, but at the same time I want a breather at times. So how can he or me know when he can/should come to me and when/should he go to a friend in group?

I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I think we are getting to the point of figuring it out though. I just need to beat the monkey with a stick.

Image from here

a letter

Dear bishop and stake president,

Hi. LDS wife here.

I just wanted to make one thing clear with you. You see telling me over and over again that I need to monitor the computer, learn how to check the history on it, put it out in the middle of my dining room, not allow the husband to be alone with the computer, lock up the router, put hundreds of blocks on the computer, and anything remotely similar to these suggestions is not helpful.

Think about it now. You are telling me exactly what I'm being told not to do. You are telling me to try to control his pornography viewing. However much I would love to be able to accomplish that, because remember... self admittedly control freak here, I simply cannot do it. Do you honestly think that if I could solve this problem by locking up the computer, or checking his history that I wouldn't? Besides that, when in the world did I become either his mom or Satan taking his agency away?

I understand that as parents we need to protect our youth and children from the evils of the internet and the television, which is why we'd monitor shows they watch, music they listen to, friends they hang out with, and websites they visit. But this is for your children, not your husband.

So as you can see lovely priesthood holders, your counsel is not helpful. All it does is make me feel guilty about his addiction, and how if I had monitored him more than he would never have looked at pornography to begin with, therefore it's clearly my fault this is all happening. (please sense the sarcasm)

Will you please telling me to control this by monitoring him?

Thank you,

LDS Wife

Image from here

powerless

Last night I got a big lesson on step 1. You see, step one is all about realizing we're powerless over our loved one's addiction and we can't control it. I mean honestly, it's logical! If we could control it, all of us would. But yet, when addiction happens, we lose all logic and want so bad to control their actions, in essence so we can fix them.

I will be the first one to admit I'm a big control freak. Everything is always planned out, lists are done, budget is in place. It's serious. I have lists and time tables. When I first went to group meetings and learned that part of the processes for healing would be to let go of control I was ready to quit. I struggle with this concept every day.

Going back to my story. Last night I was on my way to work, and husband was on his way home. We usually talk to each other since we don't get to see each other. He informed me that he was going to have to work from home in order to finish the deadline for a project. My heart sank, anxiety settled in, I wanted to call in, and turn around so I could control the computer usage. Well one of the things with my job is a call in policy that if I'm going to call in, they need 2 hrs notice, so I couldn't do that. I told my husband I was anxious, and he acknowledged my concerns and said he would be fine. I attempted to believe him, but the fear is greater.

Once we hung up I called one of my dear friends from group, and she reminded me of step one. I promised her I was going to try really hard to not think about it the whole night while I was at work, and I was not going to call my husband every hour to check up on him.

I thought about it, several times, but I didn't do it. It was so hard. I wound up coming home early from work because I was sick, puking into garbage cans makes them want you to go home. My sweet husband was asleep on the couch, he told me he felt tempted by being on the computer, but didn't do anything. I know that being up late on the computer will always be a temptation to him, and now I'm trying to learn that there's nothing I can do to change that and I can't control whether he does choose to look at it or not. I'm grateful this time around he chose not to look at it, and hopefully that's the choice he'll make every time.

a secret

I think one of the hardest things for me throughout this whole ordeal is the secrecy. I'm an open book. People in my life, at church, at work, everywhere can take one look at me and know what's going on. I don't like to put on a face, and pretend things are perky and happy when in reality they really aren't.

However, you can't exactly go around church telling everyone that asks you a simple "How are you?" and bluntly reply "Not good at all. My husband relapsed with his pornography addiction." So I'm forced to do what I hate doing most. I put on a face. Things are just fine. And the times I can't quite put on a happy face, the excuse is that I'm just really tired. It works. But it eats me up inside and makes me just so mad at my husband.

As the days go by without a relapse, and more group meetings, I have to say that I'm starting to no longer pretend. In all honesty things are just fine now. That doesn't mean my heart isn't broken, trust has been restored, and I'm overflowing with joy. But for now things are getting better.

I have never seen my husband try harder, and want to fix what's been shattered than this time around. That gives me hope. Hope that he's serious this time. Hope that we do have a future together. Hope that this problem will go away, or at least become so small that we will talk about it as a trial we had when we were first married. Hope that someday we'll be able to have kids together. As of right now the future doesn't look grim anymore. It doesn't look bright and cheery, but at least it's no longer dark and dreary. Right now that settles my heart down enough to give me courage to continue on.

my story

My husband and I were married in the temple. I was 20 years old. We had a short courtship and a year long engagement. We have now been married for five years, no children (by choice).

I am a convert to the Church and joined it when I was 18. The husband has been a lifelong member, served an honorable mission, and took me to the temple as a worthy priesthood holder.

Pornography entered our lives after one year and a half of being married.

It entered his life when he was 15 years old. He was sober for over six years, but relapsed after we were married. The relapses were at first few and far between, and have recently become more often and closer together. I remember thinking that it wasn't a big deal. I didn't realize it was a problem until summer 2008. He talked to the bishop and I thought we'd be good. After that he went eight months without looking at it and started relapsing every two months or so, the last time was in early December 2009. I was heart broken. I was ready to walk away and be done. Again he went and talked to the bishop, this time it was taken very seriously, not just by our bishop, but by my husband. It has now been 29 days since he last looked at pornography. He's attending addiction recovery meetings, seeing a counselor, and working hard to get our marriage back together. I'm attending the PASG meetings, which stands for Pornography Addicts Support Group for Women. We use a 12 step manual that has not yet been officially published by the church, but is being used through LDS family services throughout the US.

Once everything fell apart I started looking for resources online for women, and I was sad to find very little on the Internet for the spouses. So I decided to do this as my journal, and a way for other women to have access to links, resources, and the manual so that I could help someone else heal through this too.

If you would like a copy of the manual please e-mail me at ldswifesupport@gmail.com or click on the side bar and download the manual.

Much love.

Image from here