this is Jim

This morning I was reading CJane, hers is a blog I peruse through every once in a while, not quite a daily read, but a read regardless. Apparently the week of April 12th was Men's Week. Jim wrote the sweetest post on How to love your wife during the postpartum period.

Jim is the husband I want. The husband I used to have. Pornography has taken so much away from me. from us. My marriage is falling apart and I don't even know if I want to fix it. Wouldn't it be easier to leave now before things get more complicated? How can I even stay married to him when I feel like he's a stranger? I never thought I married someone that would do something so vile, so selfish, so careless. Someone who looks at pornography in order to spite me and purposely hurt me. My husband told me that he thinks he looks at pornography when things aren't pretty, happy, and all flowery in our lives. During those times he feels like he doesn't have much to lose, meaning he doesn't care about our marriage or whether we stay married. He doesn't care about me or what happens to us. Pornography is more important.

I don't know what to do. I keep replaying that phrase in my head over and over again. I don't know what to do.

This last relapse kicked me hard. Covenants have been broken. My heart aches so bad I find it hard to breathe. All of the sudden I'll start crying, anything triggers a sob fest, a commercial, a blog post, movie, sitcoms, a thought of all that's been lost.

I'm grieving. I've lost so much already, how much else am I going to lose?

relapse #2

Temple recommend lost.

So many emotions I don't even know what to do with myself.

I should stop trying to plan my career around the fact that I'll be having children soon with this man and go for what I want to do and I love. I may never get to have kids.

Anger. Fear. Sadness. Loss. Hopelessness. Anger!

relapse

Husband relapsed tonight. I'm so sad.

I thought he was doing better. I was on my lunch break and thinking how it would be so nice to get off the pill this month. Even if I were to get pregnant right away we'd be fine, we'd still be able to do all the things we have planned for the year after all I'd only be due in January.

Oh the shattered dreams and rude awakening that this hasn't gone away. No matter how much I wish for it to go away it hasn't. Kind of interesting that he'd relapse on the night that I was so close to being set on getting off the pill and finally getting my turn at motherhood.

I don't even get anxious anymore. I get upset, and slightly mad. But it's become an expectation. Not a if he'll look at it, but when will he look at it again. What a sad way to live. Can someone please sue sports illustrated?