powerless

Last night I got a big lesson on step 1. You see, step one is all about realizing we're powerless over our loved one's addiction and we can't control it. I mean honestly, it's logical! If we could control it, all of us would. But yet, when addiction happens, we lose all logic and want so bad to control their actions, in essence so we can fix them.

I will be the first one to admit I'm a big control freak. Everything is always planned out, lists are done, budget is in place. It's serious. I have lists and time tables. When I first went to group meetings and learned that part of the processes for healing would be to let go of control I was ready to quit. I struggle with this concept every day.

Going back to my story. Last night I was on my way to work, and husband was on his way home. We usually talk to each other since we don't get to see each other. He informed me that he was going to have to work from home in order to finish the deadline for a project. My heart sank, anxiety settled in, I wanted to call in, and turn around so I could control the computer usage. Well one of the things with my job is a call in policy that if I'm going to call in, they need 2 hrs notice, so I couldn't do that. I told my husband I was anxious, and he acknowledged my concerns and said he would be fine. I attempted to believe him, but the fear is greater.

Once we hung up I called one of my dear friends from group, and she reminded me of step one. I promised her I was going to try really hard to not think about it the whole night while I was at work, and I was not going to call my husband every hour to check up on him.

I thought about it, several times, but I didn't do it. It was so hard. I wound up coming home early from work because I was sick, puking into garbage cans makes them want you to go home. My sweet husband was asleep on the couch, he told me he felt tempted by being on the computer, but didn't do anything. I know that being up late on the computer will always be a temptation to him, and now I'm trying to learn that there's nothing I can do to change that and I can't control whether he does choose to look at it or not. I'm grateful this time around he chose not to look at it, and hopefully that's the choice he'll make every time.

a secret

I think one of the hardest things for me throughout this whole ordeal is the secrecy. I'm an open book. People in my life, at church, at work, everywhere can take one look at me and know what's going on. I don't like to put on a face, and pretend things are perky and happy when in reality they really aren't.

However, you can't exactly go around church telling everyone that asks you a simple "How are you?" and bluntly reply "Not good at all. My husband relapsed with his pornography addiction." So I'm forced to do what I hate doing most. I put on a face. Things are just fine. And the times I can't quite put on a happy face, the excuse is that I'm just really tired. It works. But it eats me up inside and makes me just so mad at my husband.

As the days go by without a relapse, and more group meetings, I have to say that I'm starting to no longer pretend. In all honesty things are just fine now. That doesn't mean my heart isn't broken, trust has been restored, and I'm overflowing with joy. But for now things are getting better.

I have never seen my husband try harder, and want to fix what's been shattered than this time around. That gives me hope. Hope that he's serious this time. Hope that we do have a future together. Hope that this problem will go away, or at least become so small that we will talk about it as a trial we had when we were first married. Hope that someday we'll be able to have kids together. As of right now the future doesn't look grim anymore. It doesn't look bright and cheery, but at least it's no longer dark and dreary. Right now that settles my heart down enough to give me courage to continue on.

my story

My husband and I were married in the temple. I was 20 years old. We had a short courtship and a year long engagement. We have now been married for five years, no children (by choice).

I am a convert to the Church and joined it when I was 18. The husband has been a lifelong member, served an honorable mission, and took me to the temple as a worthy priesthood holder.

Pornography entered our lives after one year and a half of being married.

It entered his life when he was 15 years old. He was sober for over six years, but relapsed after we were married. The relapses were at first few and far between, and have recently become more often and closer together. I remember thinking that it wasn't a big deal. I didn't realize it was a problem until summer 2008. He talked to the bishop and I thought we'd be good. After that he went eight months without looking at it and started relapsing every two months or so, the last time was in early December 2009. I was heart broken. I was ready to walk away and be done. Again he went and talked to the bishop, this time it was taken very seriously, not just by our bishop, but by my husband. It has now been 29 days since he last looked at pornography. He's attending addiction recovery meetings, seeing a counselor, and working hard to get our marriage back together. I'm attending the PASG meetings, which stands for Pornography Addicts Support Group for Women. We use a 12 step manual that has not yet been officially published by the church, but is being used through LDS family services throughout the US.

Once everything fell apart I started looking for resources online for women, and I was sad to find very little on the Internet for the spouses. So I decided to do this as my journal, and a way for other women to have access to links, resources, and the manual so that I could help someone else heal through this too.

If you would like a copy of the manual please e-mail me at ldswifesupport@gmail.com or click on the side bar and download the manual.

Much love.

Image from here