powerless

Last night I got a big lesson on step 1. You see, step one is all about realizing we're powerless over our loved one's addiction and we can't control it. I mean honestly, it's logical! If we could control it, all of us would. But yet, when addiction happens, we lose all logic and want so bad to control their actions, in essence so we can fix them.

I will be the first one to admit I'm a big control freak. Everything is always planned out, lists are done, budget is in place. It's serious. I have lists and time tables. When I first went to group meetings and learned that part of the processes for healing would be to let go of control I was ready to quit. I struggle with this concept every day.

Going back to my story. Last night I was on my way to work, and husband was on his way home. We usually talk to each other since we don't get to see each other. He informed me that he was going to have to work from home in order to finish the deadline for a project. My heart sank, anxiety settled in, I wanted to call in, and turn around so I could control the computer usage. Well one of the things with my job is a call in policy that if I'm going to call in, they need 2 hrs notice, so I couldn't do that. I told my husband I was anxious, and he acknowledged my concerns and said he would be fine. I attempted to believe him, but the fear is greater.

Once we hung up I called one of my dear friends from group, and she reminded me of step one. I promised her I was going to try really hard to not think about it the whole night while I was at work, and I was not going to call my husband every hour to check up on him.

I thought about it, several times, but I didn't do it. It was so hard. I wound up coming home early from work because I was sick, puking into garbage cans makes them want you to go home. My sweet husband was asleep on the couch, he told me he felt tempted by being on the computer, but didn't do anything. I know that being up late on the computer will always be a temptation to him, and now I'm trying to learn that there's nothing I can do to change that and I can't control whether he does choose to look at it or not. I'm grateful this time around he chose not to look at it, and hopefully that's the choice he'll make every time.