Dear bishop and stake president,
Hi. LDS wife here.
I just wanted to make one thing clear with you. You see telling me over and over again that I need to monitor the computer, learn how to check the history on it, put it out in the middle of my dining room, not allow the husband to be alone with the computer, lock up the router, put hundreds of blocks on the computer, and anything remotely similar to these suggestions is not helpful.
Think about it now. You are telling me exactly what I'm being told not to do. You are telling me to try to control his pornography viewing. However much I would love to be able to accomplish that, because remember... self admittedly control freak here, I simply cannot do it. Do you honestly think that if I could solve this problem by locking up the computer, or checking his history that I wouldn't? Besides that, when in the world did I become either his mom or Satan taking his agency away?
I understand that as parents we need to protect our youth and children from the evils of the internet and the television, which is why we'd monitor shows they watch, music they listen to, friends they hang out with, and websites they visit. But this is for your children, not your husband.
So as you can see lovely priesthood holders, your counsel is not helpful. All it does is make me feel guilty about his addiction, and how if I had monitored him more than he would never have looked at pornography to begin with, therefore it's clearly my fault this is all happening. (please sense the sarcasm)
Will you please telling me to control this by monitoring him?
Thank you,
Dear Bishop, I wish you would have believed me when I told you about my husband: the pornography, the drugs, the lies. Instead you told me that I was "mentally ill" and I needed to go away and get better. He manipulated you just like he manipulated me for so many years. What was happening in my home was so awful, and when I finally came forward to tell you, I was scared and afraid and everything got worse and you said I was making it all up because he told you it wasn't true. Now my family is broken and my heart, too. I did go away - it became unsafe for me to stay. I have trusted in my Father in Heaven and found PASG and I have found that there are hundreds of women in the church in my same position and whose lives were threatened by men addicted to pornography. And there are hundreds of bishops who do not know how to handle these situation. I have also learned that I am not mentally ill and that I am strong and I am gaining control of my life with the help of good, experienced priesthood leaders, a good therapist, and a Father in Heaven who knows and loves me. With the help of PASG and the understanding of the atonement I am gaining, I will come to trust in His plan - the plan He has for me and my children, and I will even work through the anger I feel toward you. It took so much courage to come to you and tell you - why did you tell me I was mentally ill? Why did you believe him at his word and his charm? Why did you call me to be gospel doctrine teacher if you thought I was mentally ill? I am sad, but I am healing. I hope you will learn from the sad falling apart of my family. With Heavenly Father's help, I will be able to put it the pieces back together.
ReplyDeleteLet me be clear: I do not blame you, bishop. I have a testimony that this is a trial I am to pass through. But I was devastatingly hurt when I finally gained the courage to come to you and you told me I was mentally ill and to go away and get better.
I hope you will attend a PASG meeting and learn what the gospel can teach you about the problem of pornography in the church. Men are willing to literally kill their wives rather than to be found out. You have no idea how close it came to that. I escaped with my life and my testimony of the love and compassion of the Savior. And with those two things left, I had a place to start - and I continue to grow, slowly, but surely.
Dear Bishop/Stake President/Young Men's Leaders/Mothers/Fathers,
ReplyDeletePlease read "He Resoreth My Soul" by Dr. Donald L. Hilton Jr., MD. Please internalize this information.
You recall that Alcoholism was not recognized as an addiction for hundreds of years...we have the advantage of science in all its forms these days.
This is an ADDICTION and requires more than just scripture reading and prayer to overcome. Those are a major elements... but much, much more is required to overcome an ADDICTION.
Sincerely,
Married to a Porn Addict