I have officially become a crazy person.
Why? Because the anxiety monster is on my back, and it has its little legs wrapped around me tight like an ugly monkey!
I called my husband from work during a slow time, this doesn't happen often and I just wanted to talk. He said his night hadn't gone quite like he planned.
**Why hello monkey! Welcome to my back**
I asked him why while attempting to not hyperventilate. After all my immediate thoughts go to pornography and how he looked at it again. he said he had felt tempted so instead of paying bills, organizing things in the office, he chose not to turn on the computer and watched a movie instead.
For most of you this would cue in the happy bells.
For crazy me this cued in the monkey getting angry and its hair standing up on end.
I was so anxious I didn't know what to do with myself. If we're really being honest here, the monkey is with me often. i had this monkey with me prior to this whole thing, but it was a small, cute, happy monkey. But now it's the gorilla that scares little kids at the zoo. I've turned scary.
Now I realize I totally overreacted to this. In talking to a friend from PASG she asked me if my husband had someone from his group he would call when he was struggling/tempted. I said he didn't... as far I know at least. I told her that sometimes I just get tired of being supportive. Sometimes I just want to pretend this doesn't exist. And she said that's why he needed someone besides me to lean on. Insert light bulb moment here. To my credit I am fairly good at being supportive 95% of the time without going crazy, but I guess after a little over a month I got tired of being supportive, and just wanted to be mad. I do love that my sweet husband feels comfortable enough to come to me first, before anyone else, and I do like and want to know when and if he's struggling, but I guess it would be nice to have someone else on his corner besides me. I don't quite know what to do with this yet. I want to know, but at the same time I want a breather at times. So how can he or me know when he can/should come to me and when/should he go to a friend in group?
I wish I had the answer, but I don't. I think we are getting to the point of figuring it out though. I just need to beat the monkey with a stick.
Image from here
Image from here
As a friend fighting the same battle I just wanted to applaud you for being brave enough to post this for all who need it to hear. You speak from my very soul, thank you!
ReplyDeleteYou rock! And you are not alone!
ReplyDeleteThere is a solution. I've learned that I am not and never could be my husbands sponsor. I found my own sponsor to help me through the steps for my insanity. My husband will need to do the same, but until I stop trying to be his sponsor (which I can only do by working my steps), he won't have any reason to find his own.
ReplyDeleteMy husband finally has a sponsor!! He reaches out to his sponsor each day - and often someone else from his group. This is SO helpful.
ReplyDeleteFor me, I am happy I have women to whom I can reach out. It is so much easier to deal with this crap addiction in my life knowing I can go to women who understand what I am feeling.