Tuesday, February 16, 2010
a sponsor
I appreciated so much the responses to the last posts, the comments have been greatly appreciated. Husband and I talked about the sponsor deal, and I still have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I think I have determined that there's three main things that make me feel iffy about it.
1. I feel like in a way it allows him to keep "secrets" from me.
2. It takes control away from me, and by now we all know that causes me more anxiety than anything else in life.
3. In our area there are no men in group that have been successful in overcoming the addiction.
So allow me to address my concerns and please enlighten me in this whole process.
I think my biggest heartbreak over this addiction is the secrecy. I hate secrets. I'm probably one of the most blunt and honest person you will ever meet. My husband often comments how he loves how he never has to wonder what I'm thinking or want. I just tell him. There's no guessing. There's no hiding feelings or concerns. So in my mind having him go to someone else besides me would create a secret, something to keep away from me. Which leads me to number two. Am I this way because I thrive on taking control of things, planning everything out, expecting the worst and hoping for the best? I don't really know.
Finding the sponsor is the other problem. My understanding is that a sponsor should be someone who has successfully completed the twelve steps program and would be a guide and inspiration to my husband. Well... we lack that type of person in our area.
I enjoy our open and honest relationship and my fear is that a sponsor would take that away. I like knowing when he's struggling and I like being a support to him. I feel like it in a way it brings us closer. What would a sponsor (if he was even able to find one) do for him? Why do you feel like having a sponsor is beneficial?
Please share.
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These quotes are taken from the AA Big Book, but I'll "translate" them to sex addiction.
ReplyDelete"Highly competent psychiatrists who have delt with us have found it sometimes impossible to persuade [a sex addict] to discuss his situation without reserve. Strangely enough wives, parents and intimate friends usually find us even more unapproachable than do the psychiatrist and the doctor.
But the ex-problem [sex addict] who had found this solution, who is properly armed with facts about himself, can generally win the entire confidence of another [sex-addict] in a few hours. Until such an understanding is reached, little of nothing can be accomplished."
I have seen a few people who have sobriety w/out a sponsor, but they don't develop the intimacy that having a sponsor can provide, so that they can learn what real love is, not just sex love.
I know for me as a wife it was impossible for me to hear what my husband does, or has impulses to do w/out wanting to fix the problem or help him not have temptations or something. Only a recovered addict can listen objectively to his problems & temptations & obsessions and show him the way to find the solution to the problem. A sponsor can unconditionally love him, yet be proof that he can recover from the problem.
The problem of no one in the area... is not really a problem. If he has the desire for a sponsor, God will lead him to one, whether it be a phone sponsor or from a online meeting or something. God is incharge of that and knows plenty of recovered sex-addicts.
As for your obsession w/secrets and contol, the same solution applies. I know from personal experience that my obsession can be removed. The 12 steps do work, but only if you do them. It's not easy, but it is simple.
A sponsor is a very great thing. Each time my husband relapses it is nice that he has his Sponsor in addition to me to talk to...
ReplyDeleteSponsors do not have to be specifically in your area. See if your husband can attend a 12 Step Sex Addicts meeting, and he can find someone strong in recovery there. With email contact, phone contact, etc., he can communicate long distance with a sponsor.
ReplyDeleteAs for the whole worry about secrets, that will be something that you'll have to deal with in the midst of your codependency.
If you are working the Steps as well, they should be priority, and you, too, should have a sponsor. If you're working in YOU, it will be a lot tougher to focus so much on him.
In this situation, men need some degree of privacy. Not to say that he should necessarily have secrets from you, but he can tell you about certain things and then give the rest of the details to his sponsor.
If you know every single detail, it's as though you are his sponsor instead, and that just doesn't work between a husband and wife.
Pray that God will direct him to a sponsor and that God will direct you to a sponsor. Someone doesn't need 100% recovery in order to sponsor someone else. In fact, the sponsor/sponsee relationship can strengthen both parties.
You, however, as co-dependent and wife will not strengthen his recovery by knowing every detail and trying to be in control, and you won't strengthen your own, either.
Your job here is to recognize your powerlessness over him AND over yourself and your responses to his addiction and come to a place of peace. It's all you can do!