I think one of the hardest things for me throughout this whole ordeal is the secrecy. I'm an open book. People in my life, at church, at work, everywhere can take one look at me and know what's going on. I don't like to put on a face, and pretend things are perky and happy when in reality they really aren't.
However, you can't exactly go around church telling everyone that asks you a simple "How are you?" and bluntly reply "Not good at all. My husband relapsed with his pornography addiction." So I'm forced to do what I hate doing most. I put on a face. Things are just fine. And the times I can't quite put on a happy face, the excuse is that I'm just really tired. It works. But it eats me up inside and makes me just so mad at my husband.
As the days go by without a relapse, and more group meetings, I have to say that I'm starting to no longer pretend. In all honesty things are just fine now. That doesn't mean my heart isn't broken, trust has been restored, and I'm overflowing with joy. But for now things are getting better.
I have never seen my husband try harder, and want to fix what's been shattered than this time around. That gives me hope. Hope that he's serious this time. Hope that we do have a future together. Hope that this problem will go away, or at least become so small that we will talk about it as a trial we had when we were first married. Hope that someday we'll be able to have kids together. As of right now the future doesn't look grim anymore. It doesn't look bright and cheery, but at least it's no longer dark and dreary. Right now that settles my heart down enough to give me courage to continue on.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
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Thanks for sharing. It takes courage to share so openly what we (wives) struggle with daily.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
This is a wonderful site...much needed!
ReplyDeleteI have written a poem for all the steps... and some on addictions- pornography included. Hope this is helpful to someone. Going to arp was a life saver for me! It is deeply spiritual and strengthening.
Just as a word of warning: it's good to have hope, but not to forget the strength of the addiction. I know that a lot of newly married women have very naive beliefs about pornography that can lead them to trust their husbands prematurely. I was one of these.
ReplyDeleteNow, my husband has seen multiple bishops and gone through the long and difficult "repentance process" multiple times. He even went a year and three months one time before relapsing again and falling even farther than before. Then he hid for about 5 months before he was discovered again.
My husband is trying once again to overcome the addiction, and that gives me hope, but I know that it is important for us to place our trust in God more than in our husbands. Whatever happens, God will right the wrongs - whether that happens in this life or the next.